Back

I am back after months of not blogging.  I even forgot my password, that's about how long.

It is the beginning of 2012, it is the year when I find out who and what I really am.  I don't want to settle anymore.  I don't want my head and my heart to not coincide with each other.  My head has not done the right thing.  What I "think" I want is not always what my heart truly wants.  I need my heart to rule more, with my head taking second place in line. 

I have been with my Master for over 2 years, after that amount of time trust should have steadily grown, it should be that there is no doubt...but yet.  It was the New Year, he was to go away as he has in the past. Now it has been 3 days and I do not get a text or anything.  My mind wanders to him being with someone other than me.  Hell, he has the right to do that, he is single, I am married.  But to be true is a virtue that you should want to have if it is the right fit.  Maybe it is true that I have not been so truthful either, but it is time that I need to look at that aspect of this relationship.  Is that what I am really looking for?  Yes of course the sex is great and I have gone to places that I have never imagined I would go, but the energy of this should be surrounded in truth.

I have read over and over that the D/s relationship is built on truth and a closeness you could find no where else.  I believe that is true, should you have all of the components.  It is not that I do not trust him physically with me, and really with my life.  It is just those other times when I feel so alone.  Should I feel so alone at times?  That is what I question.  Sure he can give me orders while he is not going to be available.  He can tell me to cum 3 times a day and how i should do it.  He can tell me to text him on his phone at the stroke of midnight (or as close as I can to it) and then he can not answer for a few days, just making me think my words had just fallen on deaf ears.

This is my life as a sub/slave.  One that in all reality needs to be looked at.  It is hard not to fall into some kind of seductive trance when you hear the voice who reassures you that all is well and "you" are the only one.  My intuition?  Where is it coming from, my heart or my head, where is the right place for it to be?

So what will 2012 bring?  I will keep on posting and not only will I find out, but so will you.

I am back for now

I have been gone for a while.  So busy with school.  I should have never taken a 15 week english course in 5 weeks, too much damn work.  I am struggling with it.  I have to be able to stand on my own two feet. I have to be able to survive on my own.  My marriage has reached the point of no return.  We are now living like roomates.  It's not a pretty picture.  We don't fight (well except when we talk...lol) Just keeping the peace.  My submission and slavery or just a dim picture right now.

More Than a Master, or Not?

What is it that makes up a Master?  Does he just give you what you need physically?  Does he give you what you need mentally (meaning the mental control?)  Or is it more than that.

Recently I have come to realize what a real impact a Master can be on you, he can give you more than those things that were stated in the above paragraph.  He can care about your well being in a way that, he wants you to succeed.  To become more than you have been before you met him.  The interest in you is more than just surface, but it is to make you the best you that you can be, not just for him but for you.

A Master takes you under his wing, but lets you fly.  He introduces you to new things, whether it be about introducing things you have never tried in this lifestyle, as in humiliation or pain, or something he introduces to you about yourself that you have never realized before.

Years ago I would have said that I would never like pain.  But, in reality I have had one experience where mentally I was able to let go, and go so deep that pain did not feel like pain.   It made me feel as though I wanted to really "feel" it without "really" feeling it.  This might only make sense to someone who has had this experience before.  I only had it once, but it is something I would like to experience again, because it was something I couldn't believe I was feeling.  It has to do with depth,  how far can you go?  Where exactly is that place?

I so wonder if anyone out there knows the feeling.  I have only felt that once, I am still not sure if I really do like it, I only know I would want to experience that again.  It is a different place than humiliation, or the feeling you get when you are obeying your Master.  Can anyone relate to this?

Between Two Worlds

It is so hard sometimes to be between worlds.  Between what we know as lifestyle and what we know as vanilla.

Being in a few "lifestyle" relationships, at least for me, seems to be a little more complicated.  Why?  Because to me I need a little of both.  It is hard to find someone who wants to give you a little bit of both. The ones who prey online will give you only one thing, what they consider the lifestyle, for most of those lifestyle does not have to consist of vanilla at all.  Take what you want out of the relationship, if you want that, and leave the vanilla behind.  But really I want to care more than that.

It is the perfect male need met.  Testosterone can rule their world.  For me I need a lot of that!  But sometimes you just need that connection...plus.  I have met barely a few that have had that all built into them.  I know it exists, maybe I just look in all the wrong places.  Or maybe I just come off wrong in my search.

Don't get me wrong, I am married. It makes things twice, maybe three times (or more) harder to find. If I had a wish list, what I would wish for is someone with all those qualities.  Caring, interesting, interested in my well being, and a Dominant with the "know how".  A Dominant that knows in between all of those things that I need I also need to feel there is nothing more I want to do than serve.  I want to serve because HE makes me want to. You give me your all, as I give you my all. That's what it's all about.

Am I living in a dream world?  Or just between two worlds.

Horniness

What can be done about the horniness I feel.  I mean it's like I'm this animal in heat.  The craving for a real session, for something I can hold on to is so strong. 

This morning I took out my vibrator and gave it a whirl.  It gave me a release but it seems that I am right back to where I started.  Wanting to take it out again when I have some alone time and do it again. 

What I really need to do is have a "dog day afternoon", some humiliation, so use of my body where I have no say.  It was one of my fantasy's this morning.  Being a dog all day.  Only being allowed to be on all fours,  Drink and eat from a dog bowl...  Is this crazy stuff or what?  Haven't a clue why I crave this.  Also I wonder, if I ever did have that would the thrill of it all disappear?

It's Just Wrong

I have an online friend, another slave.  We have been speaking for months online.  We live in different states so it is unlikely that we will ever meet.  But we click so well.  When we go through things we are there for each other.  We understand and do not judge.  No matter what happens we understand that all of us here have different relationships and what works for one does not necessarily work for the other.

Today I am very upset.  It has been months since she had seen her Dominant.  He is married, she is single.  When they first met they were both married.  But that is not here nor there with this situation.

They had a session today, her Master is very sadistic, she loves it.  There were needles and wax and he used the cane, there was even barbed wire involved.  She loved it, he loved it.  Then he tells her to get into the shower to get cleaned up.  He goes out to the car while she is in the shower and leaves.  He left her!  She comes out of the fucking shower and he is gone.  There was a bit of an explanation, but not good enough to leave this poor girl ALONE.  We all know about subdrop.  It is real, very real.  The downtime with our Dominants is so important.  We need to come down from the rush of endorphins.  We need to feel their closeness, it's so important.  Well at least it is for me.  When I have had a session it would be that there was some talking afterwards, maybe a phone call.  At least an "are you ok?"  Something anything.

I needed to vent that because I can't believe after all of that there was no one there for her.  I think it's all up to boundaries.  Unless there is an agreement beforehand.  I just tend to think it's just pure human feeling.  I don't know I can't help feeling that way.  And I can't get it out of my head.

So How Does One Survive....

How does one survive a marriage without the need being fullfilled?  How do you fill the void?  Even when masturbating it doesn't seem to fill the need.  I walk around in a constant state of arousal with no end in sight.