I am back after months of not blogging. I even forgot my password, that's about how long.
It is the beginning of 2012, it is the year when I find out who and what I really am. I don't want to settle anymore. I don't want my head and my heart to not coincide with each other. My head has not done the right thing. What I "think" I want is not always what my heart truly wants. I need my heart to rule more, with my head taking second place in line.
I have been with my Master for over 2 years, after that amount of time trust should have steadily grown, it should be that there is no doubt...but yet. It was the New Year, he was to go away as he has in the past. Now it has been 3 days and I do not get a text or anything. My mind wanders to him being with someone other than me. Hell, he has the right to do that, he is single, I am married. But to be true is a virtue that you should want to have if it is the right fit. Maybe it is true that I have not been so truthful either, but it is time that I need to look at that aspect of this relationship. Is that what I am really looking for? Yes of course the sex is great and I have gone to places that I have never imagined I would go, but the energy of this should be surrounded in truth.
I have read over and over that the D/s relationship is built on truth and a closeness you could find no where else. I believe that is true, should you have all of the components. It is not that I do not trust him physically with me, and really with my life. It is just those other times when I feel so alone. Should I feel so alone at times? That is what I question. Sure he can give me orders while he is not going to be available. He can tell me to cum 3 times a day and how i should do it. He can tell me to text him on his phone at the stroke of midnight (or as close as I can to it) and then he can not answer for a few days, just making me think my words had just fallen on deaf ears.
This is my life as a sub/slave. One that in all reality needs to be looked at. It is hard not to fall into some kind of seductive trance when you hear the voice who reassures you that all is well and "you" are the only one. My intuition? Where is it coming from, my heart or my head, where is the right place for it to be?
So what will 2012 bring? I will keep on posting and not only will I find out, but so will you.
