What is it that makes up a Master? Does he just give you what you need physically? Does he give you what you need mentally (meaning the mental control?) Or is it more than that.
Recently I have come to realize what a real impact a Master can be on you, he can give you more than those things that were stated in the above paragraph. He can care about your well being in a way that, he wants you to succeed. To become more than you have been before you met him. The interest in you is more than just surface, but it is to make you the best you that you can be, not just for him but for you.
A Master takes you under his wing, but lets you fly. He introduces you to new things, whether it be about introducing things you have never tried in this lifestyle, as in humiliation or pain, or something he introduces to you about yourself that you have never realized before.
Years ago I would have said that I would never like pain. But, in reality I have had one experience where mentally I was able to let go, and go so deep that pain did not feel like pain. It made me feel as though I wanted to really "feel" it without "really" feeling it. This might only make sense to someone who has had this experience before. I only had it once, but it is something I would like to experience again, because it was something I couldn't believe I was feeling. It has to do with depth, how far can you go? Where exactly is that place?
I so wonder if anyone out there knows the feeling. I have only felt that once, I am still not sure if I really do like it, I only know I would want to experience that again. It is a different place than humiliation, or the feeling you get when you are obeying your Master. Can anyone relate to this?
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Between Two Worlds
It is so hard sometimes to be between worlds. Between what we know as lifestyle and what we know as vanilla.
Being in a few "lifestyle" relationships, at least for me, seems to be a little more complicated. Why? Because to me I need a little of both. It is hard to find someone who wants to give you a little bit of both. The ones who prey online will give you only one thing, what they consider the lifestyle, for most of those lifestyle does not have to consist of vanilla at all. Take what you want out of the relationship, if you want that, and leave the vanilla behind. But really I want to care more than that.
It is the perfect male need met. Testosterone can rule their world. For me I need a lot of that! But sometimes you just need that connection...plus. I have met barely a few that have had that all built into them. I know it exists, maybe I just look in all the wrong places. Or maybe I just come off wrong in my search.
Don't get me wrong, I am married. It makes things twice, maybe three times (or more) harder to find. If I had a wish list, what I would wish for is someone with all those qualities. Caring, interesting, interested in my well being, and a Dominant with the "know how". A Dominant that knows in between all of those things that I need I also need to feel there is nothing more I want to do than serve. I want to serve because HE makes me want to. You give me your all, as I give you my all. That's what it's all about.
Am I living in a dream world? Or just between two worlds.
Being in a few "lifestyle" relationships, at least for me, seems to be a little more complicated. Why? Because to me I need a little of both. It is hard to find someone who wants to give you a little bit of both. The ones who prey online will give you only one thing, what they consider the lifestyle, for most of those lifestyle does not have to consist of vanilla at all. Take what you want out of the relationship, if you want that, and leave the vanilla behind. But really I want to care more than that.
It is the perfect male need met. Testosterone can rule their world. For me I need a lot of that! But sometimes you just need that connection...plus. I have met barely a few that have had that all built into them. I know it exists, maybe I just look in all the wrong places. Or maybe I just come off wrong in my search.
Don't get me wrong, I am married. It makes things twice, maybe three times (or more) harder to find. If I had a wish list, what I would wish for is someone with all those qualities. Caring, interesting, interested in my well being, and a Dominant with the "know how". A Dominant that knows in between all of those things that I need I also need to feel there is nothing more I want to do than serve. I want to serve because HE makes me want to. You give me your all, as I give you my all. That's what it's all about.
Am I living in a dream world? Or just between two worlds.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Horniness
What can be done about the horniness I feel. I mean it's like I'm this animal in heat. The craving for a real session, for something I can hold on to is so strong.
This morning I took out my vibrator and gave it a whirl. It gave me a release but it seems that I am right back to where I started. Wanting to take it out again when I have some alone time and do it again.
What I really need to do is have a "dog day afternoon", some humiliation, so use of my body where I have no say. It was one of my fantasy's this morning. Being a dog all day. Only being allowed to be on all fours, Drink and eat from a dog bowl... Is this crazy stuff or what? Haven't a clue why I crave this. Also I wonder, if I ever did have that would the thrill of it all disappear?
This morning I took out my vibrator and gave it a whirl. It gave me a release but it seems that I am right back to where I started. Wanting to take it out again when I have some alone time and do it again.
What I really need to do is have a "dog day afternoon", some humiliation, so use of my body where I have no say. It was one of my fantasy's this morning. Being a dog all day. Only being allowed to be on all fours, Drink and eat from a dog bowl... Is this crazy stuff or what? Haven't a clue why I crave this. Also I wonder, if I ever did have that would the thrill of it all disappear?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
It's Just Wrong
I have an online friend, another slave. We have been speaking for months online. We live in different states so it is unlikely that we will ever meet. But we click so well. When we go through things we are there for each other. We understand and do not judge. No matter what happens we understand that all of us here have different relationships and what works for one does not necessarily work for the other.
Today I am very upset. It has been months since she had seen her Dominant. He is married, she is single. When they first met they were both married. But that is not here nor there with this situation.
They had a session today, her Master is very sadistic, she loves it. There were needles and wax and he used the cane, there was even barbed wire involved. She loved it, he loved it. Then he tells her to get into the shower to get cleaned up. He goes out to the car while she is in the shower and leaves. He left her! She comes out of the fucking shower and he is gone. There was a bit of an explanation, but not good enough to leave this poor girl ALONE. We all know about subdrop. It is real, very real. The downtime with our Dominants is so important. We need to come down from the rush of endorphins. We need to feel their closeness, it's so important. Well at least it is for me. When I have had a session it would be that there was some talking afterwards, maybe a phone call. At least an "are you ok?" Something anything.
I needed to vent that because I can't believe after all of that there was no one there for her. I think it's all up to boundaries. Unless there is an agreement beforehand. I just tend to think it's just pure human feeling. I don't know I can't help feeling that way. And I can't get it out of my head.
Today I am very upset. It has been months since she had seen her Dominant. He is married, she is single. When they first met they were both married. But that is not here nor there with this situation.
They had a session today, her Master is very sadistic, she loves it. There were needles and wax and he used the cane, there was even barbed wire involved. She loved it, he loved it. Then he tells her to get into the shower to get cleaned up. He goes out to the car while she is in the shower and leaves. He left her! She comes out of the fucking shower and he is gone. There was a bit of an explanation, but not good enough to leave this poor girl ALONE. We all know about subdrop. It is real, very real. The downtime with our Dominants is so important. We need to come down from the rush of endorphins. We need to feel their closeness, it's so important. Well at least it is for me. When I have had a session it would be that there was some talking afterwards, maybe a phone call. At least an "are you ok?" Something anything.
I needed to vent that because I can't believe after all of that there was no one there for her. I think it's all up to boundaries. Unless there is an agreement beforehand. I just tend to think it's just pure human feeling. I don't know I can't help feeling that way. And I can't get it out of my head.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
So How Does One Survive....
How does one survive a marriage without the need being fullfilled? How do you fill the void? Even when masturbating it doesn't seem to fill the need. I walk around in a constant state of arousal with no end in sight.
Wet at work
Sometimes by the time I get to work I am wet. I have this pretty long train commute and my mind tends to wander.
Well it certainly doesn't wander to my workplace.
Sometimes I think how exciting it would be to have a Master at home waiting for me. Him calling me during the day. Saying to me "be ready when you get home"....that leaves everything wide open, no anticipation other than I know I will be used.
Opening the door he is standing there, my collar in his hand.
"Strip" he says.
I put my bag down and start to take off my clothes as gracefully as I can, my mind whirling in the feeling of submission taking over.
"Turn around now" has says. Now I can feel the slight chill of the steel collar being put around my neck, I hear the latch closing......I am slave. He attaches a leash to the ring on the collar and makes me get on my knees. Grasping my hair and pulling my head back he informs me that I have no choice from this moment on. I manage to get out a "Yes Sir", and he makes me crawl to the space we have set up where he uses me, where everything is within his reach.
He motions me to lay flat on a table, there he ties me arms and legs spread wide apart, my waist is also tied, I cannot move if I wanted to. A blindfold is placed over my eyes. I can feel the wetness between my legs starting to build.
"Now let me see", he says. I hear his footsteps around me, each foot as it touches the ground, circling, not knowing what is coming, waiting for the feel of his hands somewhere on my body....anywhere on my body...
In my mind I am saying "please touch me"...for it is torture, the waiting is pure torture.
Next I can feel his fingers touching my waiting cunt, opening it, I feel more lube, it is wet...very wet. Now the cold of something touching my cunt hole, quickly without warning he is shoving something inside. It is a dildo I can feel it is that because of the cool temperature. He takes it out, now it is replaced by something warm, quickly again shoving it in. It is his cock, it feels so good, I am dripping, wanting more.
"I only want to fuck my slave right now", he says. He is pounding me furiously. He cums inside, I cum at the same time. "You stay here now slave, don't move" he says with a little laugh. I hear him leave.....all I can do is wait for his return, and wonder, what is next.....
Well it certainly doesn't wander to my workplace.
Sometimes I think how exciting it would be to have a Master at home waiting for me. Him calling me during the day. Saying to me "be ready when you get home"....that leaves everything wide open, no anticipation other than I know I will be used.
Opening the door he is standing there, my collar in his hand.
"Strip" he says.
I put my bag down and start to take off my clothes as gracefully as I can, my mind whirling in the feeling of submission taking over.
"Turn around now" has says. Now I can feel the slight chill of the steel collar being put around my neck, I hear the latch closing......I am slave. He attaches a leash to the ring on the collar and makes me get on my knees. Grasping my hair and pulling my head back he informs me that I have no choice from this moment on. I manage to get out a "Yes Sir", and he makes me crawl to the space we have set up where he uses me, where everything is within his reach.
He motions me to lay flat on a table, there he ties me arms and legs spread wide apart, my waist is also tied, I cannot move if I wanted to. A blindfold is placed over my eyes. I can feel the wetness between my legs starting to build.
"Now let me see", he says. I hear his footsteps around me, each foot as it touches the ground, circling, not knowing what is coming, waiting for the feel of his hands somewhere on my body....anywhere on my body...
In my mind I am saying "please touch me"...for it is torture, the waiting is pure torture.
Next I can feel his fingers touching my waiting cunt, opening it, I feel more lube, it is wet...very wet. Now the cold of something touching my cunt hole, quickly without warning he is shoving something inside. It is a dildo I can feel it is that because of the cool temperature. He takes it out, now it is replaced by something warm, quickly again shoving it in. It is his cock, it feels so good, I am dripping, wanting more.
"I only want to fuck my slave right now", he says. He is pounding me furiously. He cums inside, I cum at the same time. "You stay here now slave, don't move" he says with a little laugh. I hear him leave.....all I can do is wait for his return, and wonder, what is next.....
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Duck
Catchy title, I know :) A comment that was said to me by......well....let's just say a guide of mine. Helping me to find my way within this world that I can't have as of now. I have taken to blogging like a "duck to water".
Oh yes, as I think about it, if my world were where it should be at this time. I would be crawling to my Master's feet. I would be naked and ready, my clit swollen for what is to come, opened for him to take me on this journey. It would be real, not in my imagination, but right before me, in the physical.
If I let my imagination go I would be wet with anticipation. My nakedness touching the floor, the possibilities touching my mind. My imaginings taking me to a place where my Master would lead me on this journey, not only in words, but in my body. Helping me to discover my longing, my need to be controlled. Filling my soul with all these years of waiting, spent on learning instead of doing. Can I learn from words? How far can words take me? Can I feel the pain of a clamp put on my nipples or on my clit? Here is where the void lies. It is only in my mind, not in my body, not really in my soul.
I want to feel that collar around my neck someday, to learn those gestures of obedience. How quickly will the wetness invade my cunt area when I am that physical slave. I know 24/7 is nearly impossible, but in a way I know that it can be so. It can be so because I feel the mindset would always have to be there. I think that I would thrive on it because it is something that I have always wanted to experience. It will either make me or break me.......
Will it really be that my submission/slavery would make me feel that I am a "duck taking to the water"? How will I know unless it is experienced in reality? Is it possible to know while doing it this way......?
Oh yes, as I think about it, if my world were where it should be at this time. I would be crawling to my Master's feet. I would be naked and ready, my clit swollen for what is to come, opened for him to take me on this journey. It would be real, not in my imagination, but right before me, in the physical.
If I let my imagination go I would be wet with anticipation. My nakedness touching the floor, the possibilities touching my mind. My imaginings taking me to a place where my Master would lead me on this journey, not only in words, but in my body. Helping me to discover my longing, my need to be controlled. Filling my soul with all these years of waiting, spent on learning instead of doing. Can I learn from words? How far can words take me? Can I feel the pain of a clamp put on my nipples or on my clit? Here is where the void lies. It is only in my mind, not in my body, not really in my soul.
I want to feel that collar around my neck someday, to learn those gestures of obedience. How quickly will the wetness invade my cunt area when I am that physical slave. I know 24/7 is nearly impossible, but in a way I know that it can be so. It can be so because I feel the mindset would always have to be there. I think that I would thrive on it because it is something that I have always wanted to experience. It will either make me or break me.......
Will it really be that my submission/slavery would make me feel that I am a "duck taking to the water"? How will I know unless it is experienced in reality? Is it possible to know while doing it this way......?
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Need
I have the need to be controlled, to feel something that brings me outside and at the same time inside of myself. I need a strong Master, one who understands how strong my needs are. He would be as strong as I am but on the other side of the spectrum. He understands my need to cum in a way that the bee knows what flower to pollinate. It is just instinct.
Drawn to my need to have something extracted in order to give something sweet. Nature shows us this all the time. But so many are hung up on the norms, not willing to even experiment with our own nature. We don't have to like everything, but how would we know the difference if we didn't open our minds to other things.
I want to be brought to places I have never gone before just to see how far I can go. To learn my limits. To what lengths would I go to please someone who is willing to take me "there". My craving is sometimes scary to me. Because I do not yet know my limits. I only know that when I am in that mode my limits can be stretched far beyond what I ever thought.
Drawn to my need to have something extracted in order to give something sweet. Nature shows us this all the time. But so many are hung up on the norms, not willing to even experiment with our own nature. We don't have to like everything, but how would we know the difference if we didn't open our minds to other things.
I want to be brought to places I have never gone before just to see how far I can go. To learn my limits. To what lengths would I go to please someone who is willing to take me "there". My craving is sometimes scary to me. Because I do not yet know my limits. I only know that when I am in that mode my limits can be stretched far beyond what I ever thought.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Surrender
The conclusion that I have reached in this lifestyle is something that I have always read as just "a word". The word surrender. You can read the word you can think you understand what it is all about in your mind, BUT, until you "feel" what it actually means inside of you, it is just that, a word.
There is a moment in time. An ah ha moment that had to happen with me to understand fully what is meant by that. I choose to think of the word surrender, more as a feeling.
Yes I surrendered to being tied up, to being made to cum at Master's will, to obeying whatever it is Master wanted me to do. But beyond all of that is a feeling. It means that I am relaxed into it. That instead of feeling a little apprehensive about what is coming next, I let go. It is a bit synonomous with the word trust, but to me at a deeper level.
In my mind I use the word surrender a lot. It helped me through everything from Master's absence, to feeling some physical pain. Getting through the tough times as a slave. Until I fully surrendered in the relationship it could not be a full relationship, it was only half of what the relationship could be. I was giving my all....every part of my mind and body.
How wonderful it feels to be in that total surrender when your Master is letting you cum. You feel it both in your mind, and your body, you attain a higher level of feeling in both aspects. You could ask no more of your Master or yourself........
There is a moment in time. An ah ha moment that had to happen with me to understand fully what is meant by that. I choose to think of the word surrender, more as a feeling.
Yes I surrendered to being tied up, to being made to cum at Master's will, to obeying whatever it is Master wanted me to do. But beyond all of that is a feeling. It means that I am relaxed into it. That instead of feeling a little apprehensive about what is coming next, I let go. It is a bit synonomous with the word trust, but to me at a deeper level.
In my mind I use the word surrender a lot. It helped me through everything from Master's absence, to feeling some physical pain. Getting through the tough times as a slave. Until I fully surrendered in the relationship it could not be a full relationship, it was only half of what the relationship could be. I was giving my all....every part of my mind and body.
How wonderful it feels to be in that total surrender when your Master is letting you cum. You feel it both in your mind, and your body, you attain a higher level of feeling in both aspects. You could ask no more of your Master or yourself........
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Secrets
We all have secrets. Some are no big deal, others go deeper. My secrets are very deep, very few people know who I really am. On the outside I am wife (barely), mother (absolutely), daughter (certainly), friend. Who now am I really "on the inside"?
What is the reality of who I am? Does it matter who I am to most of those people around me who don't know who I am?
It dawned on me as I was trying to "work out" being a submissive/slave. Well it didn't really dawn on me, it was really bought to my attention. The reality of trying to be this "who I am" is not an easy task. (no pun intended-for all who know what that means).
The reality of being a proper submissive/slave means that you need to have focus, full focus, if you want to be this. I want to be that but it is really, in reality, very complicated. Let me go further......
Secret #1 (ok it won't be a secret anymore....shh don't tell anyone!)
I am married. Well that in itself is not a secret, the secret is that I have discovered this part of me about 10 years ago. Ten years ago I strayed. Why? Because I wasn't getting this ENORMOUS need filled. It really was just kink at that point. So I found this Master online. I had to sneak around, making up stories to get away, stomach churning, brain and body stressed out. But, the need was strong, even for the kink at that time. It was my first introduction - to me! I couldn't stay with that Master, I decided to stay with the marriage, I did a good job at hiding everything...keeping it a secret. Thought I could work on the marriage. Hell I wasn't even getting sex, nevermind the kinky kind!
I let years pass before I tried it again. This time it was different. I discovered the mental part of it, the part that I needed more than anything. It was like the physical was secondary to my needs in my head. Although believe me they are both one in the same....eventually.
One thing I learned about this reality of it is that it is pretty much the same as the vanilla aspect of life, except that the twist that these relationships have. The reality is that you are more vulnerable. The reality is you have to figure out who you can REALLY trust. The reality is it takes more time and focus to come to a mutual understanding of who both of you are in the relationship. The reality is if you don't have the time to devote then you need someone who is understanding of all that you have to deal with....especially when you have this "secret" lurking in your life.
I thank this person who is bringing all of this to my attention. The reality of being a submissive/slave. A Master of the greatest caliber. That is who has encouraged me to explore myself further. It's never an accident who you meet in this life. Even if it's just online it can have an impact.
There are many more blog pages to come, much more writing....and learning.
What is the reality of who I am? Does it matter who I am to most of those people around me who don't know who I am?
It dawned on me as I was trying to "work out" being a submissive/slave. Well it didn't really dawn on me, it was really bought to my attention. The reality of trying to be this "who I am" is not an easy task. (no pun intended-for all who know what that means).
The reality of being a proper submissive/slave means that you need to have focus, full focus, if you want to be this. I want to be that but it is really, in reality, very complicated. Let me go further......
Secret #1 (ok it won't be a secret anymore....shh don't tell anyone!)
I am married. Well that in itself is not a secret, the secret is that I have discovered this part of me about 10 years ago. Ten years ago I strayed. Why? Because I wasn't getting this ENORMOUS need filled. It really was just kink at that point. So I found this Master online. I had to sneak around, making up stories to get away, stomach churning, brain and body stressed out. But, the need was strong, even for the kink at that time. It was my first introduction - to me! I couldn't stay with that Master, I decided to stay with the marriage, I did a good job at hiding everything...keeping it a secret. Thought I could work on the marriage. Hell I wasn't even getting sex, nevermind the kinky kind!
I let years pass before I tried it again. This time it was different. I discovered the mental part of it, the part that I needed more than anything. It was like the physical was secondary to my needs in my head. Although believe me they are both one in the same....eventually.
One thing I learned about this reality of it is that it is pretty much the same as the vanilla aspect of life, except that the twist that these relationships have. The reality is that you are more vulnerable. The reality is you have to figure out who you can REALLY trust. The reality is it takes more time and focus to come to a mutual understanding of who both of you are in the relationship. The reality is if you don't have the time to devote then you need someone who is understanding of all that you have to deal with....especially when you have this "secret" lurking in your life.
I thank this person who is bringing all of this to my attention. The reality of being a submissive/slave. A Master of the greatest caliber. That is who has encouraged me to explore myself further. It's never an accident who you meet in this life. Even if it's just online it can have an impact.
There are many more blog pages to come, much more writing....and learning.
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