Secrets

We all have secrets.  Some are no big deal, others go deeper.  My secrets are very deep, very few people know who I really am.  On the outside I am wife (barely), mother (absolutely), daughter (certainly), friend. Who now am I really "on the inside"?

What is the reality of who I am?  Does it matter who I am to most of those people around me who don't know who I am? 

It dawned on me as I was trying to "work out" being a submissive/slave.  Well it didn't really dawn on me, it was really bought to my attention.  The reality of trying to be this "who I am" is not an easy task. (no pun intended-for all who know what that means).

The reality of being a proper submissive/slave means that you need to have focus, full focus, if you want to be this.  I want to be that but it is really, in reality, very complicated.  Let me go further......

Secret #1 (ok it won't be a secret anymore....shh don't tell anyone!)
I am married.  Well that in itself is not a secret, the secret is that I have discovered this part of me about 10 years ago.  Ten years ago I strayed.  Why?  Because I wasn't getting this ENORMOUS need filled.  It really was just kink at that point.  So I found this Master online.  I had to sneak around, making up stories to get away, stomach churning, brain and body stressed out.  But, the need was strong, even for the kink at that time.  It was my first introduction - to me!  I couldn't stay with that Master, I decided to stay with the marriage, I did a good job at hiding everything...keeping it a secret.  Thought I could work on the marriage.  Hell I wasn't even getting sex, nevermind the kinky kind!

I let years pass before I tried it again. This time it was different.  I discovered the mental part of it, the part that I needed more than anything.  It was like the physical was secondary to my needs in my head.  Although believe me they are both one in the same....eventually.

One thing I learned about this reality of it is that it is pretty much the same as the vanilla aspect of life, except that the twist that these relationships have.  The reality is that you are more vulnerable.  The reality is you have to figure out who you can REALLY trust.  The reality is it takes more time and focus to come to a mutual understanding of who both of you are in the relationship.  The reality is if you don't have the time to devote then you need someone who is understanding of all that you have to deal with....especially when you have this "secret" lurking in your life.

I thank this person who is bringing all of this to my attention.  The reality of being a submissive/slave.  A Master of the greatest caliber.  That is who has encouraged me to explore myself further.  It's never an accident who you meet in this life.  Even if it's just online it can have an impact.

There are many more blog pages to come, much more writing....and learning.